finally.

kanina, naiyak na ako.

sa pagod. sa lungkot. sa frustration.

ang tagal ko nang hindi umiiyak. lagi ko kasing kinikimkim iyung mga sakit at kirot na nararamdaman ko.

pero kanina, habang naglilinis ako ng bahay, bigla na lang tumulo ang luha ko.

tuloy-tuloy. hindi ko mapigilan ang pagtulo ng luha. finally, naiiyak ko na rin iyung dapat kong iniyak.

gusto kong tumawag ng kaibigan, pero mas pinili kong manahimik. mas pinili kong sarilinin ito.

paano ko ba ipaliliwanag ang nararamdaman ko kung hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ako umiyak ng todo?

sana, maiiyak ko pa iyung mga natitirang luha. kasi alam ko may nakatago pa akong iyak.

tough week.

sobrang kakaiba itong linggong ito.

ang daming nangyari. ang daming isyu. ang daming problema.

naiiyak na ko sa pagod. pero sa trabaho ko at sa posisyong hinahawakan ko, hindi ako puwedeng maging mahina. lalo na ngayon.

in my job,i am forced to always be strong. tough. composed. sometimes even stern.

so i could make tough decisions. and tell the things that i need to tell.

i’m faced with a very difficult situation now, something that involves a friend at work. i learned about something that could eventually lead to disaster on his part. as the leader of the team, i cannot withhold information because my name and my job is at stake here.

but what do you do if you also need to be a friend? would you shed your “boss image” to help out a person you’ve grown dear to? or would you stick to the responsibility that you carry and be the tough guy of the group?

i don’t know what to do. this has been one f*ckin’ hell of a week.

by the way, farrah fawcett and michael jackson died today.

tough week. tough week.

ngiti.

ikaw ang naghahatid ng ngiti sa aking araw.
mata mo’y kumikislap na bituin sa aking kalangitan.
hindi kita kilala, ngunit ramdam kita
sa tuwing ako’y bumibisita.

animo’y pilak ang iyong mga ngipin
sa tuwing ika’y mag-i-smile sa akin.
sa pagtitig mo ako’y nalulusaw
sa pagbati mo, mundo ko’y tila magugunaw.

gusto kita.
kausapin.
pakinggan.
yakapin.
hawakan.
akbayan.
tabihan.

sa bawat araw
na dumaraang
hindi kita nakikita,
puso ko’y naninikip
at nagnanais kumawala.

sana sa susunod…
makilala na kita.

want.to.get.out.

badly.

alas kuwatro.

tuwing alas kuwatro ng umaga nagsisimula ang buhay ko.

iyung buhay na totoo.

kung saan walang nakikialam sa iyo.

sa mga oras na ito ako nabubuhayan ng dugo.

panahon na kasi para muli kong bisitahin ang nawawala kong sarili.

ninanamnam ko ang bawat minuto, ang bawat saglit, ang bawat segundo.

hindi ko nararamdaman ang pagpupumiglas ng mga masasamang elementong nakapaligid.

hindi ko napapansin ang ingay ng mga taong umaaligid.

sa oras na ito, ramdam ko ang kapayapaang bumabalot sa aking katawan… sa aking isipan.

hindi ko na kailangan pang maglagay ng maskara.

o magsuot ng kapoteng kukubli sa akin mula sa ulan.

dahil ang oras na ito ay oras ko.

oras ng mga pangarap.

mga saglit ng panaginip.

naririnig ko ang kanilang awit.

lumulutang ako sa langit.

kahit pa duguan na akong paslit.

hindi ko sasayangin ang oras na muli kong maramdaman

ang haplos ng katahimikan sa aking dibdib.

gusto ko nang masadlak sa oras na ito.

sana’y mawalan ng enerhiya ang baterya ng relo.

o di kaya’y tumigil sa pag-ikot ang mundo

para hindi na ako makaalis

sa oras na alas kuwatro.

dahil tanging sa oras na ito…

ramdam kong buhay ako.

humihinga.

kahit pa humahapo.

bakit ganun?

uhm… why?

what do you say to confusion if you meet it face to face?

uhm…

why do you confuse me?

what stress does to me.

i work in a very stressful environment.

i carry the demands of my job from the time i wake up to the wee hours of the night.

the stress that i get from doing my work is too much for me to handle.

so it found a way to manifest in my body.

my skin breaks out like hell.

and white patches that looks like a map of an archipelago start to build up on my face.

i look like a walking globe whenever stress strikes me.

so what do i do to resolve this problem?

i go to a dermatologist.

to get some uber-painful cleansing and peeling.

darn.

plus the fact that i have to take a one hundred peso-per-capsule medication.

for three straight weeks.

i feel so ugly.

this job has made me feel ugly.

the work that gives me so much money is also the thing that causes me too much expenses.

damn.

waiting for the world to end.

i am waiting for my world to end.

the world that ate my life for seven years.

i am wanting for freedom.

and time.

and rest.

freedom to do what i want to do.

time to find my lost self.

rest from all the chaos that surrounds me.

once this world ends…

a new one starts.

a world without stress.

a world without demands.

a world that thinks of me.

it will be filled with passion.

it will be a place where money doesn’t count,

and a venue for creative juices to flow.

it will be heaven on earth.

for me.

it will come soon.

the new world awaits for my coming.

the new world awaits.

for me.

on my way.

exactly 693 days from now, i will reach the dreaded age of thirty.

the age of true-blue adulthood.

this makes me wonder what is in store for me in the next two years.

and makes me realize what i have done the past 28 years.

would i still be in the industry that I work for?

would i have my own family by that time?

or would i lead a life of single blessedness?

would i still be in the philippines?

would i still believe the faith that i now firmly hold?

would i be finally happy?

when i was starting my career in media, i always joke about my older colleagues’ ages, and they would tell me “when you go beyond 25, you’ll start to feel the pressures of life, especially the pressures of being a thirty year old person.”

now that i am in my last two years of being a “twenteen,” i am starting to feel that pressure. i am either starting to question certain beliefs or sticking to my longtime principles. i am feeling the weight that this age carries. what have i done in the past 28 years that contributed to the improvement of the world? have i done enough to make my society better?

maybe… maybe not.

is this maturity at work?

or just plain quarter life crisis?

what do you think?